girl on earth

It’s been a few months! I was really overwhelmed and stressed these past couple of months. And I still am, but I’m trying not to be. I had to go back to my job for a month and a bit but i’m back again to being unemployed… aside from my freelance photography which is few and far between. I have applied for a ton of jobs but nothing is coming up, even though I feel really good when I apply to them. I’m thinking it’s almost another nudge for me to try to make photo work full time. I am also thinking my brain is trying to come up with new tasks and projects for me to do to distract me from pursuing photography.

Anyways, I scribbled some thoughts down late last night and I was most definitely in my feelings. But here they are:

I've been thinking about death alot. of humanity. To Madonna's Like A Prayer. To movies being played, Recounting what it is to be human. I was seeing us wiped out. Like in the ending of Bugonia. It made my heart ache, and I can't get it out of my head. (Like the way my heart usually aches when I yearn for a partner). I don't want to die yet. I can't bare to think of dying when I have barely lived yet. I want my life to get started and exciting, but I am stuck. Slyvia Plath has never been so relevant in my life. I am sitting under the fig tree. l am trying to choose a fig. I have to go for my dreams because nothing else is coming up. I have nothing better to do than try.

I had another video game idea today. Need to do that too. Or I could write a book. Or learn the bass. There are too many figs!!! I really need to do something. Fuck I hope it all works out. Everything is happening now. The past, present, and future, it’s all now, I need to be in alignment with my highest self. How is it almost June? Time has been moving too fast recently. And it’s only going to pick up. I am scared but I have to do it scared. My future self is waiting. What am I waiting for? I want to move on - I don't want to leave my parents, and my Luna. My angel. My sweet girl.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I don't think I feel normal emotions or react normally to things. Sigh. Until next time!